Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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