i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
