well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
