she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
