So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
