Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
