I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
