My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
