final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
