Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
