She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
