I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
