I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm getting married
To pizza
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
