Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
