we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
