My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
