Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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