whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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