I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
