You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
