How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
