Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
