If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
