good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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