You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
