You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
