haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
