I didn't shave. On purpose
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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