I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
pop tarts are not kleenex
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
