You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
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