apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
