so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
