it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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