they said they heard you say put it in my butt
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
