Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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