My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
