I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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