I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Fuck me I smell like cheese
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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