Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
