Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
