I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
