Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
