I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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