The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
