I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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