i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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