So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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