I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
