I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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