Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you never un-have a 4some
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
