I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Thank you for not boning my boss.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
